To Catherine and to I.

Dear both of you,

On Catherine’s umpteenth birthday, a reflection about memories.

Back then, until recently.

Memories, good ones and others,

felt like something you had to hold on to, as if letting go would erase something of yourself.

You cherished them, replaying them repeatedly.

They protected you from fading.

They were proof that something beautiful or deeply sad had happened,

that you had once been (un)happy in a considerable way.

 

Now, recently,

those same memories, feel redundant,

not because they've lost their value, but because they've done their job.

They've shaped you, softened you, hardened you,

taught you what love, warmth, and connection means,

but also made you wiser about the transience of friendships,

the finitude of relationships,

and fleeting emotions.

You no longer need to constantly relive them to know they existed.

They live on in who you are.

You let them rest, but you don't forget them.

It means trusting that what was good and what wasn't,

has become part of you, and you don't have to keep opening old doors to confirm that.

The memories can be and stay where they belong –

soft, hard, complete, resigned, organized,

and stored away for eternity.

Yours always,

Guy.

Eleven months later.

Dear Guy,

You told me this morning; it was a strange feeling you experienced upon awakening.

Yesterday you finished the creation of Catherine’s website, and for the first time in almost four years your day started without the whole project of hers, of yours, of both of you on the menu.

You could tell the story of these last four years, but I was told that the story is there on the website itself, and it does not need a separate chapter. It’s online for as long Catherine’s son wants to keep the memory alive and as you said: “I'm handing it over”.

Even if it’s not about you It contains also your personal story for almost the last forty years.

Two weeks ago, you went for the first time since Catherine’s dead...

quote:

“Wow this sounds so harsh, that word, always searching for a softer word, always trying to replace it by, deceased. But at the end it says what is it is, although in my mind it is different. Patrick Modiano writes it so precisely in his book, “The Ballerina”, ‘Neither the dancer nor Pierre belonged to the past but to an eternal present.’ This is how I feel about the presence of Catherine in my life. This is also how I feel about the other important people who were crossing my life. This is the only way for me to survive.”

end of quote

... so, I said two weeks ago you took the liberty to go on your own to Gent, without any accompaniment for the first time since Catherine’s ... You have enjoyed walking in the busy streets of the centre and in the adjacent quit ones that marked the area of your childhood. As an example of what your friend Kees used to say, ‘coincidence does not exist’ and while exploring the collection of a major bookshop you found between all the thick, fat, prize winning books, a little gem... the above mentioned “The Ballerina”.  This little jewel was your companion those two last weeks, while finishing Catherine’s website. In all the characters you could recognize Catherine, yourself and others in their respective roles. Highly recommended for dance and ballet enthusiasts and professionals and for those aching for a less harsh world compared to the chaotic times we are living in. Those are your words, but I could easily make them mine seen our literary symbiotic relationship.

Time now for your own projects, enriched by the experience of the last years. Finalizing the so called ‘Todos lo saben’ essay for an imaginary movie script; The Taragon music pod/videocast, your writing blogs and your aim to join third parties dance workshops with ‘quality of movement’ support.

Above all, try to consider some quality time with those other important people you met in all those past years, they deserve your undivided attention. Also tell them you need their support and their friendship and love, don’t be shy.

Yours always,

Guy.

The sixth of May 2022

Dear Guy,

Whatever time span you consider; being it the year between four seasons, the days between New year and New Year’s Eve; the repeating birthdays, your own and those of others you’re used to celebrate; you can’t deny , I’m sorry Ma’am to steal the words, this has been an ‘annus horribilis’.

Confronted with your own declining energy, you lost unexpectedly the best friend and you carry the illness of another one.

You told me it’s a relief to wake up in the morning after dreaming about departures and moves. The plastic bags you used to move with from one place to another are largely insufficient for the moves you seem to make in your nightmares.

Your micro life is not unaware of the geopolitical changes, but a pandemic and a war are not exactly the decorations one can imagine celebrating your stay here on this globe.

I heard that every day you want to call and text and write to those you love and cherish to be sure they are alive and let them know you do also.

Not so long ago you wrote not being afraid of dying but being horrified thinking you will not be able before you go, to meet those you care about, and especially her you love the most.

So let me convey the wish for your B’day or being it the remaining days of the year, the season or whatever time span one considers;  you have only one wish left; to see all of your beloved ones, close by and far away, to have some quality hours with them in the hope you can do it all over in many returns but if this is supposed to be the last one, as you said: “I could go with a smile and thank them for passing by in my life.

Truly yours.

Guy.

Farewell to Rwanda

Dear Guy,

It has been a tough decision but after several months of introspection and deliberation with partners and friends you made the decision to leave your beloved Rwanda.

Several reasons have influenced your decision. I only mention a few.

During your last visit in Europe you were confronted with a serious health problem. This has been fixed but it made you think about what, seen your age, could have happened or what can happen from now on.

At fifty we all think that we still have a lot of time to pursue goals and dreams. The above mentioned event made you realize that the time guarantee expired and that you are living in surplus now, already more than two years according to the doctors.

Your return to Rwanda was not that obvious but you made your objectives clear to everyone.

During those last few months you were able to finalize your proposals to professionalize the Rwandan dance field. You have produced a debate paper, a road map and a comprehensive proposal for a full time dance education. Those were based on an advanced insight since almost five years. Now it is up to the decision makers to implement fully or partially what has been proposed.

Seen your privileged contacts with decision makers, build trough the Rwandan Embassies in The Hague and Brussels and several dedicated local supporters, you are hopeful that those proposals will have a chance to succeed.

On the field you created with a few colleagues a local NGO and coupled thereto a dance creation and reflection center.

You should be happy that a few young dancers will continue the NGO and that your colleague Wesley Ruzibiza from AmizeroK and E.A.N.T Festival took over the studio campus. This guarantees that the activities you were developing within a professional dance environment can continue.

You were also running, together with E.A.N.T, a dance education pilot program in nine schools spread over the country and seen the positive reactions this program will continue.

You were able to work within existing companies to focus on the quality of movement. Your only regret is that you were not working more with dancers and companies instead of spending so much time relentless writing proposals.

Now the time has come to take some distance. You told your counterparts that if Rwanda calls you to implement your proposals you will certainly pick up the phone and engage yourself for a determined time. One always wants to see its’ own child growing up, is it not?

You told me lately that being born under the Flemish towers, thrown between rivers and the beaches of the windy North Sea, a kind of home sickness gradually nestled in your heart. We realize that once one leaves the cradle there is a continuing unrest in someone’s mind. You were torn between here and there but despite the climate change you said to need to re-experience the four seasons before it is too late and time catches up with you.

Rwanda has a fixed place in your heart and faithful as you are, people there will always be in that mind of you wherever you go. You will continue to find ways to support what you have built there to preserve the spirit of reconciliation and development of this little wonder in the middle of that huge Africa. No one will stop you from thinking that dance has a role in this. It is a Made in Rwanda product for export and internal consumption, you always said.

Guy, your and Rwanda’s ways are breaking up, perhaps temporarily but I know that you need to recharge your batteries in the hope you can continue and hopefully discover new horizons.

Shall I tell them?

With your love to them all, Rwanda farewell.

Guy.

That mild lemon light again.

Dear Guy,

And yet, there it is!  That ascending restlessness, concomitantly with physical distress, harbinger of an announced decampment.

You are the world champion in “When your doubts gradually prevail and translate into physical ailments”.

We both know the diagnosis. At the end, the experience counts!

Craving for different light, hills, waters and other earth. Yearning for unknown landscapes and known people, not necessarily in that order.

There is that moment when one realizes that Godot will never come. Meanwhile you have been into all the protagonists and you and I are like Vladimir and Estragon.

It is there, undeniable, when an abundance of space makes you anxious and your mind escapes in painted landscapes delimited by frames.

One can compare it with a seed; once planted….

Before, that means at previous occasions, that returning nervousness was not bothering you that significantly. At the contrary it was triggering you; a signal for undoubted change. Now your age is the perfect excuse for prudence. But do you believe it yourself?

I never noticed any fear about what the others could think but replace ‘fear’ with ‘important’. You see what I mean? The opinion of your beloved ones has always prevailed as the sum of their support has made that not so easy life of you possible. Taking their views into account has been an act of honor and your fidelity has no limits.

And your fidelity has no limits, go and tell them again and again.

Why is it, that for the first time you hesitate to ask for guidance, views, opinions?  You doubt about their intentions towards you? Are you anxious for disapprobation?

You have learnt so many times that being unsuccessful not necessarily means failure. Experience made you stronger; mmm, did it? But there is that weakness deep in you that only I and you are sharing, well that is what at least you prefer to think.  Leaving people behind is the hardest and we have defined it in a previous letter as unbearable. ‘Life goes on’ has been too many times a tragedy for you as you have never been able to mourn for that one person. Saying goodbye, cuts you in pieces over and over again and for the first time you have doubts that making a new start is not really a new beginning.

The coming period you will weigh it up.

Read your poetry, especially those words and sentences wherein you use variations on light and color; they have brought you consolation and strength. And when some phrases make you cry as much as when you wrote them it means that they comfort you, as tears are the most honest expression of your feelings.

http://desegregations.blogspot.com/2011/06/saul-bellows-mild-lemon-light-at-avenue.html

I wrote you this letter to ease your low back pain. I hope it cures, rather than the drugs.

Yours always,

Guy

___

In a hurry!

Dear Guy,

In several of our letters we have dug into your past, so I thought we could have a closer look into the present and how you could shape the future, or better, your future. I will not give up to write about what lays behind you but with this letter I want to increase the speed, because lately you said you were in a hurry.

So a quick reminder; since you were born you can’t complain about a dull life although I can imagine that on certain moments being more at ease would have been preferably comfortable.

Even when a ‘regular’ life was offered to you, albeit I’m not sure that happened, you were always looking for new challenges, new adventures, new friendships, new love, and new life. Most of the time this search for new experiences meant unrest and a lack of comfort but the latter was never bothering you as long you were able to master it.

One artist, we both know his name (*) once said that if he had not been an artist he probably would have been a gangster. Not sure that if you didn’t organize yourself as you did you would have reached both those states but you certainly did find a method to survive within this world.

The last two years you have suffered of a low quality of life, even you didn’t know it. Only after your last surgery you became aware that something had seriously been wrong, and this has a great impact on your actual viewpoints and beliefs.

I know that you don’t hesitate to change your opinions if strong irrefutable arguments are presented to you but you will never renounce to some fundamental values that you have acquired during all those years. This does not mean that you are flawless, far from it. But on those mistakes, you were always accountable and people can question you and condemn you while you will do everything to repair.

“Losing loved ones” because of your mistakes and wrong judgments is probably the worst experience you have faced and that is something that haunts you. You consider this disquieting torment a necessary penance here as you don’t believe in a hereafter. You are right, it is too easy to ask for pardon in a confessional as no one can pardon you but those you were harming.

“Losing loved ones” is unbearable and that has been a guideline throughout your life. It has been playing a role in all your decisions and shaped your behavior. While you were yearning for human warmth you were building an invisible border. Whomever was crossing the line was rejected, not to mention a few exceptions. You were a master in creating distance with those you loved the most, being afraid of losing them while your conduct was resulting into the same.

As you are in a hurry I will not dig deeper but maybe read those last phrases a second time.

During your flight to Rwanda this week you were thinking that being in a plane is probably the most vulnerable situation of dependence one can experience. You can stop and step out of a bike, a car, a bus, a train, even out of a boat but at a height of twelve kilometers you have to wait to leave the plane after it has reached its destination. One can have deep anxious feelings about that situation but one can also enjoy this out of control and go into a state of surrendering devotion. I know that you have the same state of mind when you are going into surgery and you always have something to smile about when they will stun you.

During this interlude between departure and arrival your life is organized by a third party, and you are welcoming this as an ultimate moment of rest, as for a while your life is on halt.

Traveling has become more tiring for you than before but at the same time it is a necessity for you to survive, a lifeline, a moment of dreaming and planning without being able to start to execute your plans immediately. And if those plans don’t survive the hours and days after the intermission they probably were not meant to be implemented.

Deep within you, you know that your Rwandan adventure is slowly coming to an end. It does not come from unrest, at the contrary, you have planned and implemented with a regularity that you have rarely showed before, but based on a lifelong experience. I remember that once you said you wouldn’t regret the decision to go to Rwanda but rather the one not to follow your instinct. You still not give up your dream but you are aware of the difficulties you still have to face to make the dream alive. Those who promised you that things would go smoothly didn’t fool you, neither then neither now, as otherwise others who are probably more experienced than you would have brought those plans to a higher level before you.

I understood that you are convinced being in a hurry. As a bucket list will only increase the idea of the state of emergency, you think you find yourself in, you have decided to face life day by day but with strict self-imposed deadlines.

The time of prophecies is over. You consider your future as being too short for endless contemplations, albeit yesterday was as long as whatever day next year and as dangerous as every day since you were born.

The last four months you were living like a nomad, more than ever before. Maybe not so much physically but in your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I guess you are still in that state of mind.

I guess this is why you are in a hurry.

Although the unknown mattresses and hospitality were given to you unconditionally, sleeping in your own bed now feels like a deliverance, a return to a state of independence. Home is where your bed is, and you have always decided yourself about that place!

And when the unrest starts at the end of the night, when thinking overrules the sleep, your own bed is the place to plan and reorganize what is left.

As you feel some stories are not finished, you told me you need to break out, to visit some places and reconnect with people, revive experiences, seeing long forgotten landscapes, discover new ones and smell forgotten scents.

Everyday I’m asking myself, Guy, why are you in a hurry?

Is it because of a ghost haunting me here and now or just because I feel my time is limited?

If I find a beginning of an answer I will write you again.

Yours, always.

Guy.

This is NOT a Bucket List!

Dedicated to L.B for his never ending support.

Dear Guy,

While we are still not done with the retrospect on the important stages of your life till this day, I could feel, these last months, how you’re longing to give sense to a foreseeable future with the knowledge that your time left, is shortening.

A few years ago you took the decision, with the support of many, to go to Rwanda to fulfill a longtime dream to create a professional entity for dance over there.  For some, it looked like it was your last major undertaking. Probably influenced by the many obstacles you have faced, your mind has, in its still never ending creativity, build a slight different outcome of what is commonly known as retirement. The poor involvement of certain first hour supporters has left you very disappointed and we all know that no one can tell you to be patient and repeat it over and over when you are convinced that there is no more time, neither for you neither for Rwanda’s dance heritage. Patience has been probably the hardest to achieve goal of your personality during all your life and someone telling you to be patient, is as defying the devil personally! Fortunately, you have met new fellows and companions and one in particular has understood from the first moment which are your goals and he supports them fully as if they were his own for the sake of the cause.  While your dream is far from achieved and many hurdles are still to be taken we can be hopeful for the nearby future.

We both know and all those around you, that you will not sit down and contemplate with satisfaction what you have done in this almost sixty four years. Only at your last breath you will end to make plans and frankly I’m not even sure about this as you will not take the risk to arrive with an empty basket on the other side of the Rubicon.

Nevertheless you told me that sometimes you would like to be one of those anonymous fans on a soccer game on a grey icy Saturday, having a beer if your team won the match and also having one if the match was lost and going thoughtless to bed later that night instead of reviewing all the coming problems. Indeed it must be blissful starting the night with the only thought that the next day you will have a lazy Sunday afternoon.

You hate the name bucket list as it suggest that it contents ten thousand things you want to do before you expire. Your arguments against are, that most certainly you rather wanna do that ten thousand and one thing and that if you only achieve a part of the list you will be left alone with bitter thoughts. Another argument is that the plans for such a wish list never consider the mental and the physical decline. At the end the longlist can become an unsightly shortlist. Despite that you became very restless these last months as you really want to undertake some actions that you have postponed because there was still time…

You want to see ‘Rigoletto’ in Torino, ‘Peter Grimes’ in London, ‘Faust’ in Paris, ‘La Fanciulla del West’ in Napels, Bellini’s ‘Norma’ in la Scala and taste the cocktail with the composers name in Catania.  You cannot die before having seen so many places and not only Napoli’s bay. You cannot stop fighting before your dancers have found a place to perform and you cannot leave this planet without returning to Procida, or do you!? Neruda will never forgive you and you would never forgive yourself.

You can’t imagine dying before you were dancing Salsa in Cali, Cumbia in the Colombian Caribbean and Tango on a square in Buenos Aires. You wanna visit the old conga master Alberto Cortez in Peru. You have to smell the air and seeing the light of places you have been before, at least  to see the memory confirmed. And once and for all you want to be cured of that unbearable syndrome of not being able to say goodbye by paying a final visit to those who have played a major role in your life during all those years.

After reading all this, you know now, that this only can be achieved by giving you a second lifetime or by making choices. Yes, I know Guy, this is the most difficult part of the job. It is the essence of what you have said all those years to youngsters you have worked with. It has been probably the most difficult task and yet you have to submit yourself to this exercise again. You cannot postpone Guy because, as you said yourself, there is no more time left.

So let me give you this last advice, the one that you also gave to others on different occasions… a lot can be achieved with a little help of your friends…. don’t forget to ask them.

Yours always,

Guy.

PS:  Before I forget, there is that other moment you have waited for, thirty eight years already, to wake up one morning next to the woman you have always loved. But that brings us back to patience!

_